Someone instructed me to write my personal philosophy on how to become a writer. What a ludicrous thing to be told to write! Becoming a writer is easy; all you have to do is write something on a fucking piece of paper. DUH! Now, getting published and making a living off whatever shit you scribbled down is the difficult part. It requires finesse and talent that can only be attained through fully immersing yourself into the creative lifestyle of a writer. This is by no means an easy task. The lifestyles of writers seem so glamorous, fanciful and beyond the hairy grasp of the average, dull homo sapien. I know how you feel, and guess what? IT’S TRUE! Clearly writers are inherently superior to the other life forms that inhabit this planet; clearly. Just ask Darwin about his theory about survival of the fittest in relation to the social pecking order; he was a writer, so he understands what it’s like to be genetically better than the normal population. Jerk.
I know you are probably shaking your head back and forth right now aching from the crushing disappointment. Dry your tears, sweet reader, for I am your personal protagonist and come forth bringing salvation. I have leapt off of the shiny, golden, diamond-encrusted pedestal that all the famous writers lounge upon that floats above the clouds of heaven down to the general public to offer you redemption that can only be sought through me. I am sympathetic to you poor, poor cannibalistic swine, and have come to reveal to you the secret ways of the elite literary geniuses. By trying to live the way we do, maybe you too can join us up on that enlightened, incredible pedestal someday; but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Hemingway is pretty anti-social and Fitzgerald has been known to greet the angels that try to visit our VIP club foaming at the mouth and ripping their heads off in a gruesome manner pleasantly reminiscent of Burgess’s concept of ultraviolence. You can try though!
The first thing I would do if you are planning on trying to become a literary genius is look for a strong Virgo emphasis on your natal chart. If there isn’t one, be sure to give dirty, sickening looks of disgust to the writers you’re jealous of in your Fiction Workshop that you suspect are Virgos. If you do have some Virgo in you, be sure to express some sort of general disdain and contempt towards any and all Virgos. Do not question this mysterious enigma. Do as I say, not as I do, and do not arouse suspicion in me that you are a Virgo; that is grounds for expulsion from my redemption.
Learn how to be a master conman and construct extravagant fallacies. You must become so spineless that deception is the electrical impulse of your spine. The golden rule to truth evading is to understand that as a writer, you should be able to hold the power of inventing sentences that sound long, beautiful, flowing, dramatic and complex. Being able to make a relatively simple statement sound pseudo-academic and knowledgeable will make you sound more credible and informed. You should be able to rephrase sentences so that they sound so majestic and elaborate, people will you believe you are an expert in any topic.
I would strongly recommend doing all of the things listed under the “Will Result in Eternal Damnation” section in a pamphlet given to you by a nun in Catholic elementary school. Aside from that, NEVER turn away a Jehovah’s Witness that appears at your doorstep on a spring afternoon. Always warmly welcome them into your home and offer them a glass of Ken Kesey’s electric Kool-Aid. Be sure to circle jerk the Seven Dwarfs with unyielding conviction. Play with beetle.
Be unnecessarily controversial, and retort to respected literary critics that they just don’t understand the true value of your shock fluff… and they’re ugly; unbearably ugly. You should never do any of the assigned reading in any of your writing classes, EVER! Instead, read something else that interests you; going to class unprepared hones your lying abilities. Despise the sun. Go through a phase of wearing nothing but black clothing. Socks, shoes, underclothing, hair accessories… anything touching your body must be black. (Touch me!)
Nurture your perpetual state of disillusionment and cultured taste for dissociatives and hallucinogens. When in doubt… sabotage your colleague’s hard drives. Watch a pumpkin rape a llama through a kaleidoscope; trust me on this one. Pick your nose until you find gold, then you’ll finally be able to publish your manuscript that was rejected by everyone. Be the coolest person you’ve ever known. Let your paranoia that all the other writers in your writing classes are observing you just as much as you observe other people, since you are writer, keep you on your toes to always be watching them.
Lose the ability to distinguish reality from what you are reading or writing immediately. Then get in the British Tabloids. If you continue to fail at getting in the British Tabloids, hang Hannah Montana. That will certainly get you noticed and it would be doing the poor girl and the rest of the world a favor. Emoticons are perfectly acceptable and legit ways to convey emotion in formal writing. ;0!!! Put your left leg in, put your left leg out, put your left leg in, then shake it all about, do the Hokey Pokey and eat an expired candy cane, that’s what writing’s all about!
Grow up too fast and squirt ketchup on to cop cars that roll through the ghetto. Call the press and insist the journalists come cover the corrupt pigs that are running over children in underprivileged neighborhoods; look, there’s blood on their squad car’s hoods, god damnit! Use this to keep the press distracted so they’ll never find out you were one of the head leaders of the leprechaun revolt to steal gold out of the twin towers. 9/11 was an inside job; our government hates leprechauns. Just to keep your front up, make sure to burn Lucky Charms boxes at the White Houses’ Bi-Annual Anti-Leprechaun Sentiment Bon Fire. They’ll never know… :0!
Grow up too fast and squirt ketchup on to cop cars that roll through the ghetto. Call the press and insist the journalists come cover the corrupt pigs that are running over children in underprivileged neighborhoods; look, there’s blood on their squad car’s hoods, god damnit! Use this to keep the press distracted so they’ll never find out you were one of the head leaders of the leprechaun revolt to steal gold out of the twin towers. 9/11 was an inside job; our government hates leprechauns. Just to keep your front up, make sure to burn Lucky Charms boxes at the White Houses’ Bi-Annual Anti-Leprechaun Sentiment Bon Fire. They’ll never know… :0!
You absolutely must wear a monocle in both the left and right eye, but make sure to hollow out the sockets with a spoon that was used to prepare crack cocaine; preferably immediately following the preparation of the crack while the spoon is still hot so as to sear truth into your brain. This is essential. The standard mode of transportation should be on a pogo stick, and you must learn how to pogo without using your hands. They must be free to hold the requisite pad of paper, ink well, and obscenely long feather quill pen that is ideally as long as Ron Jermey’s penis and a magnifying glass to harness solar energy to burn a fellow writer’s composition that may be better than yours. Unicycles are never acceptable substitutes for the pogo stick IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!!! >:( !!!! This is essential.
Play with beetle :)
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