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Monday, May 2, 2011

Chicken Fingers Parmagina, Sam D. Church II

So this is a great recipe for when you got a girl coming over for dinner. Chicken Parmigiana says, “I’m classy, exotic, and know how to cook”. Chicken Fingers say, “I’m also fun and easygoing”. Put the two together and you are quite the catch.


2-8 chicken breasts

An egg or two


Herbs and seasoning

A can or jar of pasta sauce, but not with garlic

A whole bunch of shredded cheese

1. Since you are cooking this for a woman, I would recommend doing a quick cleanup. Take any excess laundry and put it in the closet. Now check the washroom for any drops of urine that might have missed the toilet or hairs and remnants of shaving cream in the sink. It's usually good to do this part after the cooking. Just make sure you wash your hands thoroughly.

2. Okay, now that your apartment look passable and your hands are clean, cut the chicken breasts into strips of about 1 inch wide. I’m usually not such a stickler on specifics, but this is important. You want them to be thick, because of that whole phallic representation thing. But making them too thick is messier, and as a rule of thumb I don’t eat messy food on dates. You don’t want to be making your move with tomato sauce smeared across your face.

3. Next you want to prepare the breading. Actually you should have done this before cutting the chicken strips. Now you got chicken on your hands. Give them another wash. Lots of soap and really hot water. I know it hurts, but so does salmonella. Once your hands are clean again, get two bowls. In one bowl, mix the breadcrumbs with some seasoning. I like sea salt and oregano, but you can do whatever you want, except cilantro. Let’s be reasonable here. In the other bowl crack the egg and remove the yolk. You broke the yolk and a bit of shell got in. That’s okay. Don’t sweat it. It should still work with a whole egg. Just remove the shell and keep going.

4. Dip the chicken strips in the egg then the bread crumbs with whatever seasonings you chose other than cilantro, and put them into a frying pan with some oil. Shit, I guess I should have put oil in the ingredients list. You don’t have any more oil. Fuck. Just use butter then. You start cooking the first half of the chicken fingers and the phone rings. You shouldn’t get it, because you don’t want to overcook these. The phone continues to ring and you think it might be Jill, your date for the night. You should probably get it, make sure she knows that you’re here and ready. You answer the phone. Oh, hi mom. I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now. The chicken’s cooking. I’ve just been busy... Now you know that’s not true... I would be over every day if I had the time. You smell they are ready to be flipped. You should have got that cell phone. Don’t kid yourself, you were just pretending to be shopping for a phone to get that hot brunette’s number. Shit damn, that blouse fit well. You didn’t even get her number, did you? You kind of got her number. Don’t defend yourself. You got her card, you pussy. That doesn’t count and you know it. Of course I’m listening to you. People who work at grocery stores are idiots. Why do you care what they think... Look I’m sorry... I ... can I call you back? I swear I will... tomorrow... If you must know I got a date tonight... Well, I just met her a couple of weeks ago... Trust me mom, if I was in a relationship, you would be the first to know. It's burning now. Okay, I got to go... Okay, bye... Love you too... Bye.

5. Return to the pan and flip the strips. Cook the other side of the strips and put them in a casserole dish. Make a note of which side they are on so you can make sure that Jill doesn’t get the burnt strips. Bread and pan-fry the second half of the chicken strips. The phone is ringing again. Don't answer it. But you gotta. It could be Jill. You get the phone. If it’s your mom again, you are going to snap. Hello... Hey Jill, I just about got everything ready to go here... Really... Sorry to hear that... No. No, I understand... It’s all good... Well, I guess we'll have to try it again. What are you up to this weekend... Oh, yeah... That’s cool... Well, maybe some other time... Okay, well, I guess I’ll talk to you later...Maybe we can...Hello?...

6. This half of the chicken got burnt too, not like it matters at this point. What’s a little extra carcinogens in the grand scale of things. It’s not like you’ll want to be alive forever anyways. Cook the other side of these strips and put them in the casserole dish. Smother them with cheese, pour the pasta sauce on them, and throw them in the oven at about 350 Celsius. For real, anyone who isn’t using the metric system by now is an idiot. Throw them in the oven for around a half hour. At this point, you should be making some pasta and a Caesar salad to go with this, but there is not that much a point to that now that it has become a meal for one. While the chicken is baking, go across the street and get a liter of ice cream to eat for dessert.

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