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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Page 1--Promcoming--Nick Tischer

It all starts about four hours before the promcoming. You’ll have to pick up your date, or they’ll pick you up. The girl will always be late; even if she could travel back in time, she’d still be late. And you’ll give each other these flowers that neither of you really wants to wear all night long, and god forbid you get the girl a corsage without a wristlet and have to chance touching one of her boobies in front of her father, ending the night before it even began. You’ll meet each other’s parents whom you may or may not see again. There will be an awkward tension, because they know there is a good chance that by the end of the night you two will have made fuck.

Then you’ll go somewhere to take pictures with a group of people you mostly don’t know, if you even know any at all. Everyone’s parents will be there to blow the occasion out of proportion as if it was a marriage. The girls will bark out commands and go berserk if they are not met. The group will most likely be lead by an overweight girl who is not the prettiest, but got the position as the party’s leader because she has the biggest mouth. She looks kind of like Ms. Piggy, and her tight pink dress clenching around her fat only helps to further the simile.

The guys will act like they are cool with each other, just so that they have someone to talk with. There will always be that guy who is ugly as fuck and has one of the prettiest girls in the whole school on his arm. The one really annoying guy will keep screaming “gonorrhea fountain!” at the most inappropriate times. There is also the one guy who is on more LSD than you thought even existed, yet somehow he survived taking all of it. All the guys will try to be the most macho, but it is manners and not macho that matter in this test. Then you will all cram into your cars and go to a place that the girls decided on, where the food probably sucks, but you compliment them on their choice because you don’t want the night to go to shit already. Ms. Piggy will order a salad, and everyone who isn’t legally retarded will realize that normally she must just order a cow on a hamburger bun. At sometime during this meal all the girls will go to the bathroom together, even though there is most likely nothing for most of them to do in there. They will come back to come in on the awkward conversation of which supermodel each guy would like to pork. There will be an endless amount of arguing over the check. The girls will offer to pay and the guys will end up paying. Credits cards will be declined, people will dine and ditch, and people will get the short end of the stick.Then everyone will all drive to the dance. For some reason no one will dance for the first half hour. People will take this time to meet friends they haven’t seen, girls will comment on each other’s dresses and say they are nice even if they are in fact ugly as all fuck. The songs will all be ones that nobody particularly likes but are danceable. At some point the DJ will play the Cha Cha Slide, and then the Electric Slide, along with various other Slides the DJ has, causing anyone dancing to be pissed off, yet follow the song. Otherwise everyone will dance in the exact same manner to everything that isn’t a slow song. While you are dancing, if you notice the floor, the most random things will be on it, cough medicine, a girl’s panties, and a retainer, and the list will go on.
Afterwards you will go on a bus where people will scream while you try to sleep. The chaperone will hand out cameras and glow sticks that will cause flashes and laser-light illusions. One guy will inevitably talk about making articles of clothing out of bologna, which will make you laugh, in turn waking other people sleeping. However, you do find that he had a good point about how bologna could make a good rain slicker, or a decent pair of moon shoes.

And finally the bus will park far away from where it was supposed to be, and you’ll have to walk to this boat. And once the boat leaves the dock, it will be exactly the same music you heard before to dance to, in fact everything from before, except now you can’t leave for two hours, because you’re on a boat. The LSD guy will point over the side railing claiming there are dolphins. You will look at the water and tell him he’s wrong, but he will assure you that they are in the sky. The annoying guy from before will finally take off his coat, and he’ll have suspenders on underneath, which will cause you to laugh a little, before you remember that you’re on the boat.

Two hours later after the karaoke hell and all else has ceased you will return the bus and ride it back. This time the guy that talked about bologna will start to strip out of his tuxedo. He will grab onto one of the poles and give a strip tease that would put Demi Moore to shame. The bologna guy will then start to sing the bus driver song, and it will be a miracle that the driver doesn’t crash the bus to end it all. The chaperone will not care because he just wants the night to end. The bologna guy will ask if anyone’s going to Denny’s and everyone will say no.

And afterwards you and the people you knew from the group will go to Denny’s. You’re sleep-deprived; do you invite the annoying guy? You say that if the bologna guy is actually at Denny’s you will buy him a meal as a gesture of thanks for making the bus ride bearable. You will all be seated and order the weirdest food to eat at 6 a.m. There will be a bunch of older drunk people, and one guy will come out of the bathroom with a toilet seat cover around his neck screaming “Anal!” Their group will be thrown out. The annoying guy will not shut up, and you will hand him a dollar bill and suggest he plays the crane game. Every time he returns you will hand him another. Fifty dollars later at a random point during the conversation he will scream, “Look, I won a fucking BEAR!” so loud that if it wasn’t 6:30 a.m. you would have been kicked out. That was the price of not being annoyed.

Your little group will make plans to go to the beach and one girl will give everyone else directions, except she will fuck up the directions that she gives you. Later that day you will go with your date and your best bro to find said beach, stopping at other beaches where life guards who have been around for twenty years and more will say said beach does not exist. Your best bro will be asleep the whole time and scream out “There’s a street” and “There’s a beach” in his sleep. Three hours later you will arrive at said beach. The only spot is one where you have to parallel park, and after fifteen minutes of trying to parallel park in the space your best bro will wake up, tell you to park it as is, and then parallel park perfectly in under thirty seconds, finally giving you a reason to take him places. One guy will be a cock salad and throw other people into the water before they get into their bathing suits. And thank any religious being you want that Ms. Piggy is not there, because surely the sight of her in a bathing suit would have made you drown yourself. No one will want to do anything because they are all tired from not sleeping and being in the hot sun. Then you will drive back the right way, and get home in 45 minutes. You drop off your best bro and then ask to use the girl’s bathroom. When you go to piss, you’ll pull down your pants and half the sand that was at the beach starts to pile up in the bathroom. You thank her and leave, and tell her you’ll call her later even though you just made a desert in her washroom. But you do call her back because you’ll need a date for the one next year.

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