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Laura, Toucan Editrice

Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Question of Existential Proportions

Ladies and gentlemen, here we present another fine review of our magazine by our friend, Owl Who Laughs. We really do not know where the man comes up with such high praise, but we’re glad he enjoys our mag, and we hope you do, too. However, he has raised a question that deserves to be answered. It is a question many of our contributors, especially those who have become our correspondents, may have wondered but dare not voice. Our friend the laughing Owl has become the little boy pointing at the treetops wondering why the Toucan doesn’t have any clothes. (It usually doesn’t, but that’s not the point.) And the question that has been on the tip of your collective tongues for ages now is…does Editrice Laura really exist?

This was a stunning inquiry for the two of us to ponder. It necessitated many Facebook posts and midnight phone calls of the existential variety. It’s a very grave thing to inform someone by telephone that their existence is being questioned. And furthermore, how do you prove your existence in a medium where identities are fabricated every day? Can Thomas Aquinas help?

There must have been a time when no physical things existed. But, since physical things exist now, there must have been something non-physical to bring them into existence, and that something we call Laura.

Oops, that implies Laura is non-physical. Well then, let’s try this:

Things in the world, especially literary magazines, look as though they have been designed (some better than others). Nothing that we know looks designed unless it is designed. Therefore, there must have been a designer, and we call her Laura.

Better. She is getting a degree in fine art. Ah! What about:

We notice that things in the world differ. There are degrees of, say, goodness or perfection. But we judge these degrees only by comparison with a maximum. Humans can be good and bad, so the maximum goodness cannot rest in us. Therefore there must be some other maximum to set the standard for perfection, and we call that maximum Laura.

Well, thanks for nothing, Tom. Christ, it’s hard to prove someone’s existence around here, ain’t it? We rather like Owl’s theories that postulate that Liz has invented Laura for nebulous, nefarious purposes of her own, an imaginary workmate who accompanies Liz as she sits in her lonely pink living room posting pieces on the tiny, intractable blogspot site. After all, this is a girl who had six imaginary friends as a child…

Laura furthermore gets an evil chuckle out of hearing Liz described as a “chimera, bogey, or crutch”. We may be each other’s shadow selves, or one of us may suffer from multiple personalities and be totally surprised to discover that some other self has answered the correspondence in their wake. Maybe they have completely different literary preferences! Oh no! How do they ever get anything done? Or maybe Laura bumped Liz off and chuckles evilly every time she types the three letters that further her deception…oh the possibilities are endless.

But the truth, sadly, is not. The derangement either would have to achieve in order to create the other would be quite severe. After all, Laura is a Paul girl, Liz is a John-hanger-on. Laura dreams of being kidnapped by Tardis, and while Liz can’t really say that that sounds like a terrible idea, 90% of the Doctor Who mythos is beyond her and she’d be far happier behind the ladies’ counter in Grace Brothers. Laura can knit mustaches; the idea of crafting tangles Liz up in knots. Liz= writer with artistic tendencies. Laura = artist with poetic sensibility. We have no handwriting samples to offer, but admit both scripts are small and messy. If your take our words that the bios in Issue #4 were written by each of yours truly, you will see that Liz comes across as a snarky flip bitch, and Laura comes across as dreamy and vaguely British. Nobody could have a split personality that splits like that…or can they?

But we think the best evidence is provided by art. Our Issue #1 cover, please:

And now for our Issue #3 cover:

Clearly, the same hand did not draw these, as one obviously shows a monocled parrot and the other a pregnant rabbit wearing a dress. (as neither editrice is particularly skilled in the art of drawing toucans). Well, if this isn’t conclusive enough proof, we don’t know what to tell you. Some people still believe in Elvis, after all, and right they are, he used to work at a gas station by Liz’s house. You can always drop us a line and Laura, sometimes known as “the peripheral puss” will cheerfully confirm her existence for you, although we take no responsibility if the response bears a “Cheerio!” for salutation, or Liz gets there first and writes, “ ‘Laura’ (snicker snicker) is ‘indisposed…’”

Your favorite, both very much in existence and/as totally separate entities editrices,

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