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Laura, Toucan Editrice

Monday, October 10, 2011

Kim The Intern Caffeinetrice Has Been Unpacked!

As some of you may know, we at the Toucan (Liz, Laura, and the partially anthropomorphic, totally useless bird) have been swamped this summer. Actually, we take that back, since about last spring we’ve been swamped. We wish being swamped was like being TP-ed, where you suddenly woke up one morning to find your front yard had alligators and quicksand in it. It would be way cooler and would entice you to never leave your house again, but alas, this is not what happens.

We’ve been kicking around the idea of an intern for some time—but not the actual intern, that would be workplace harassment. Where would this intern come from? We had a few bright-eyed and bushy tailed friends, but they were too busy poking around at their water bowls and scribbling down things of their own for us to feel comfortable asking. Plus, we admit, it was hard getting Liz to relax her despotic control of her dynasty, and Laura would usually not become corporeal long enough and/or was not quite as cunning as she needed to be to succeed in wresting the wheel away. Imagine Fidel Castro vs. Casper the ghost, except with awesome hair instead of beards.

Anyway, when we finally got that straightened out, we found ourselves paying Sarah Palin a visit. OH GOD NO, NOT so she could be our intern, but so we could see Russia. From her house. Seriously, if generations of guys have used the Mother Country for mail-order brides, we could probably get ourselves a half-decent intern. And so we wrote away, and then a few months later a mysterious package arrived, with a Texas stamp on it too.

Kim Osment is a wonderful, wonderful, highly caffeinated Beatles fan (we can’t have any other kind of fan affiliated with us, except perhaps an entomologist.) In fact, she is going with the title Caffeinetrice, as when she is not bringing us coffee she’s going and getting a lot of her own. Check out her coffee blog, but before you do that, read what she had to say for herself. (Yeah, she's a Fiction major. However could you tell?)

From up in the sky, a mysterious box crash lands to the ground like something seen in the military when they drop boxes full of supplies. The note on the outside of the box says, “To The Editrices of The Toucan Literary Magazine.” Inside is a dark haired girl clutching her computer and wearing a pair of headphones. Immediately startled by the light that has just been cracked into her box, she gives the opener a surly look before realizing it was you.

Hello, hello, hello! I’m Kim the ever amazing, ever present intern that Liz and Laura so desperately needed. I can speak and write in English, consume up to three cups of coffee in a half hour, and repeat stanzas from the dictionary. I’m a nerd, deal with it.

I’ll be in charge of writing your rejection or acceptance e-mails, gathering your addresses, and just generally being super awesome. I don’t really sleep a lot and I watch Dr. Who almost obsessively (I have other interests too, don’t worry!) I also write a coffee blog detailing the adventures of my coffee-ness. Hell yeah!

And that’s what we say: HELL YEAH! Please welcome Kim to the Toucanverse, and forgive her if she drops an article once in a while. Russians doesn’t have articles, you know. And if she is a spy—well, we’ll take our chances. It will make it even more important for you all to read our stuff: you’ll need to be looking for secret codes to keep her honest.

Meanwhile, back at Toucan Headquarters…

Kim: So, I have just fed the Toucan his papayas. You didn’t tell me he liked tummy rubs! He’s SUCH a sweetie.

Liz: He…what? The last time I got near him he tried to take off my fingers.

Laura: Well, it’s cause you ignore him shamefully. More coffee, Kimska!

Liz: And tomorrow, seriously, try for a higher skirt. I get ALL my exercise chasing skirts.

Kim: With pleasure, Editrice Rynberg. One sugar or two? And Baudler, might I remind you that you’re not single anymore? Perhaps you should try jogging instead?

Liz, Laura, and Liz’s Other Half: I THINK WE’RE GONNA LIKE HER.


Liz, Laura, and Kim Ze Sexy Intern!!!!!!!!!

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